....The graph of love was giving diminishing and later decreasing returns. But the graph of craving was increasing,hence we went ahead,to chalk out the state of equilibrium.
From craving,I remember- Dependence. It can be of various kinds. For me it was the melody of his sinful voice, the hand which was on my waist and the shoulder on whose head was mine. It was dissimilar for him. Choose your company right,it matters. I wholly agree upon this. In a company of hooligans,of rouges,sinister. His immediate world was powerful but emotionless. There was money but no heart,freedom but no real joy. There was no body to teach, as he considered learning only from people more worthy.
Yes,here we begin from where everyone does,talking talking all the time. Fruitless,fruitful,lovable and tease'y. No,he wasn't expressive, I was too an extravagant expense. But still,we found fondness in one another. We found joy in acting immature and behaving like absolute morons not giving a damn about the world.
Time immemorial my mother always called me over mature. More so sure when a stranger she met in the passenger coach going to Hyderabad. I still remember that annoying man, who ridiculed the eight year old me by asking general knowledge questions the 19 year old brat in me still doesn't know!
So, to the point I make, this man told me I am immature to face the realities of life. To undergo and over come traumatic situations.He sternly believed this and never gave me a tangible opportunity to defend. But for him,I agreed. If coping failure with a spark stick diminishing into ash,and a bitter fizz is termed maturity, I am happy immature. If he read these lines, he will say in his subconscious- 'you can never understand. Surrendered, I won't perhaps.
Never expect a person to love you,all you do is be a person worthy to receive love. But worth? Is it measured in kilograms and distributed like at flood relief? I would say letting away the molten diamonds from my eyes is better. Love is frenzy, fiery, tantalizing,what not! But it is ecstatic, its possibly something which must happen once. I take this quote from Jeab Genet - "Anyone who hasn’t experienced the ecstasy of betrayal knows nothing about ecstasy at all." This is truth.
Ours was historic, it was economical,calculated, socially accepted and not schizophrenic. It was as simple as a yawning English lesson at class. Was it even love? Not infatuation surely, but it was like gluttons of chicken to the obese. A delicacy, but overeating causes stomach ache,this caused heart ache. One which was powerful and strong, shook me from head to toe, froze everything I liked, from pin to plane. Destroyed all things I indulged into, from chocolates to shopping.
As of now, it is numb.
