Finding Goodness

On a new day, a new hope with a new ray of light as I walk towards the corwd..trying to find myself,I find myself alone. Hundreds of faces which were known,thousands which were seen and infinite passer by's all seemed to fade away in that instant of time when ypI began the search to seek myself. Company precious to me,I chose it right but you do mistakes which bare the brunt after a long time. A gap of no writing period has made me dull and I have positively thought that I should get back to it. Certain influences are harmful.. Under this harmful influence I wither away into nothingness.. Only a few stay while whom we want the most says A Sooner GoodBye and leaves. Is it worth the wait? To wait for eyes to swell up? Joy to vanish and laughter to diminish? Just stay put,close your eyes and meditate. You already have your answer! Well if you dont, do some more searching. Because at the end all what matters is pampering your heart and sould towards happiness and believe that everybody gets their share sometime. :)

New ray,new hopes but the old dawn and the old way.[2]

....The graph of love was giving diminishing and later decreasing returns. But the graph of craving was increasing,hence we went ahead,to chalk out the state of equilibrium.
From craving,I remember- Dependence. It can be of various kinds. For me it was the melody of his sinful voice, the hand which was on my waist and the shoulder on whose head was mine. It was dissimilar for him. Choose your company right,it matters. I wholly agree upon this. In a company of hooligans,of rouges,sinister.  His immediate world was powerful but emotionless. There was money but no heart,freedom but no real joy. There was no body to teach, as he considered learning only from people more worthy.  
Yes,here we begin from where everyone does,talking talking all the time. Fruitless,fruitful,lovable and tease'y. No,he wasn't expressive, I was too an extravagant expense. But still,we found fondness in one another. We found joy in acting immature and behaving like absolute morons not giving a damn about the world.
Time immemorial my mother always called me over mature. More so sure when a stranger she met in the passenger coach going to Hyderabad. I still remember that annoying man, who ridiculed the eight year old me by asking general knowledge questions the 19 year old brat in me still doesn't know!
So, to the point I make, this man told me I am immature to face the realities of life. To undergo and over come traumatic situations.He sternly believed this and never gave me a tangible opportunity to defend. But for him,I agreed. If coping failure with a spark stick diminishing into ash,and a bitter fizz is termed maturity, I am happy immature. If he read these lines, he will say in his subconscious- 'you can never understand. Surrendered, I won't perhaps.
Never expect a person to love you,all you do is be a person worthy to receive love. But worth? Is it measured in kilograms and distributed like at flood relief? I would say letting away the molten diamonds from my eyes is better. Love is frenzy, fiery, tantalizing,what not! But it is ecstatic, its possibly something which must happen once. I take this quote from Jeab Genet - "Anyone who hasn’t experienced the ecstasy of betrayal knows nothing about ecstasy at all." This is truth.
Ours was historic, it was economical,calculated, socially accepted and not schizophrenic. It was as simple as a yawning English lesson at class. Was it even love? Not infatuation surely, but it was like gluttons of chicken to the obese. A delicacy, but overeating causes stomach ache,this caused heart ache. One which was powerful and strong, shook me from head to toe, froze everything I liked, from pin to plane. Destroyed all things I indulged into, from chocolates to shopping.
As of now, it is numb.

New ray, new hopes but the old dawn and the old way.

There are certain people in this world you meet not once,but once again. You make them your friends. You make them an integral part of your life which I believe is already clogged and overpopulated. Yet,we want more. I do. I definitely do.
I have somehow always felt that we humans are in a desperate need of company . We necessitate this to happen and without it we feel inadequate in ourselves. Loneliness and single-dom is to loser and not happening. Why? Is the answer I am still searching for.
My mother sternly believed that I had undergone brainwash sessions by Al-quaeda or some other terrorist group as I underwent a lot of change emotionally and mentally. Grade 12,when people are hovering over piles and sheet loads of books,I had the best year of my schooling. It was not because it was my last year at school and the 12 years would never come back.Not at all. I personally hated school. I detested going to a place where all you had is to come dressed tidily and clean and go back home unclean,filthy and untidy. I loved my grade 12 because I did the most wild things anybody would do,risk your career,and get screwed by parents. Coming back, I quite agree that a mad man had triggered the change in me. But I thank him. I thank him for giving me the most rude and confidence shaking circumstances. I  am obliged to him for being a man of double standards and letting me be a bigoted bitch. Roar high and soar higher. Yes,the one who screams during an argument wins is an utterly rubbish notion. It is the mincing of words,to use them with tact and wit. To select the most shrewd words and present them in the most polite way.
I underwent a change of thoughts,emotions,notions,the biggest stands in life. All because of that freak who came in and gave me 5 months of wisdom sprinkled with eye hurting pepper spray.
He said he made people addicted to him,yes to a great deal it is true. He would love me but never praise my goodness,he would kiss me but never with warrant,he would protect me but not out of will. With him I desired to walk the best years and diminish into a benevolent life. Change- I definitely dint believe to be most constant. Time in its race with tide proved so. You can never guarantee a future of happiness because situations pasteurize mankind and kindles it into a thick layer of inflexible cream. This man had rigid ideas about everything,with ego as his tropical oregano seasoning. He had a dream to overpower everyone who,at one point in time bestride him.
My journey with this rude-ie started the day we fought over flicking pages of my history book during a unit test. I cherish every second of my roller coaster,sky rocketing time with this fellow.  How much love was hidden in us,all in disdain. It was April then,September now. My affection is still the same, his has changed.
I wonder why today I am writing this about what happened in these 9 months? Yes, I think a lot he said. I would be a depression patient is what he predicted. When we started our journey from foe-ship to friendship,we had the best motto's - 'Happiness is the driving force for life'. If there is no happiness,life is a lull. 
But happiness also changes routes,it changes its wants. For me happiness was all about doing guilt free things,but for him it meant doing everything. When you strike a coin in the carom board you have the zeal to strike all. That's what we thought,we struck one chord and wanted the guitar to play music. Sound music. It was the most serene thought I ever got.Forever perhaps,but it dint even last for an year.
Newspapers, knowledge and intellectualism being the key ingredients for me to savor a man, I tasted him. His flavor of behavior. His flavor of yearning for me. His intellect made me fall head over heels,and for him my smile which lasted longer than Nile.
24th November 2009- A day of as much Importance as much 9/11 to the United States. It is when from friendship we fell into the well of love-ship. I regret nothing but I repent some odd moments. I repent lying to my mother. She has been my best friend in these soon to become 19 years of my life,she was mine, is mine and she is the only one who will surely remain mine. She won't leave me,she says I will change for you. Her simplicity pushes me to a state of ecstasy which encompasses all the cruel things into vacuum. I'm not Gandhi, I'm not even a good human,I have been wicked and villainous to people. But when I love, I love with purity, my love is child like,its delicate and careless. The worth of my life is reaping only what I sow, not gaining from what others did. I was a misfit to his life. His values were different,may be mine were orthodox,but Im sure even today that mine will bring success and his only misery. Why I say repent is because my effort of fondness towards him gained me no rewards,oh! let alone reward, it was a futile effort. Although my tour of 9 months was beautiful,packed with debates, discussions, unwillingness and argument. Oh,I forgot Addiction. The main word,the fact that talking to each other made us dependent to each other. The graph of love was giving diminishing and later decreasing returns. But the graph of craving was increasing,hence we went ahead,to chalk out the state of equilibrium.

Nazan,This one is for you!

Someone I can talk to
Someone I can trust.
Someone who will be there
When my relationships rust.

Someone who will save me,
When everything goes wrong.
Someone who will comfort me
And help me to be strong.

Someone who listens
At any time of day.
Someone who will brighten
any sky that's gray.

Someone who will always
Want to be my friend.
Someone who will fight for me,
Until the bitter end. 

Someone who will always think
Of me before themselves.
Someone who will care for me
And put their own worries onto shelves.


Someone who will always remain
incredibly beautiful and true-
Someone who is my best friend.
Someone just like you.

Somya.

If I had to Describe you.

You're the extra sugar to my coffee,
And the emptiness in my tiffin.

You're the answer to all my dumb questions
And the "arre" in those mute moments.  =]

You're the critics to my award,
And the tornado in my sleep.

You're the shock wave in those rugged rides,
but the comforter of my pillow.

You're the cheer in my laughter, =D
and the wink in those comments !

You're the texts in my In-box,
also the fiery words in the gun.

You're the headlines to my newspaper,
the direction to my sign board.

You're the warmth in those hugs,
the wilderness in the kisses.

You're the sun sign in my Linda good man,
You're the diplomat i love !! ♥

Class room love.

As winds of turmoil,turbulence and trouble struck us,
to wither apart and shut out possibilities of what is now.
But air gushed through loops and holes,
to prove,happiness is the definite end of life.

With you I have had my real good times,
you laughed along till I went silent.
Tears became futile,and bonds we held became quick fixed.
Fights and frowns were never juvenile.

Foodie is you, waster was me.
Talkative is me, as boredom strikes you.
Hatred is to economics and maths,
as love is to modak and ladoo. ♥

Complaints were me,no appease was you.
Hidden like the diamond is you,deciphering like the miner is me.
Why are we so close,yet distant ?
What complexity is it,so un comprehensible ?

The wind has changed its side now.
My poetry,my painting got back to me.
My freakishness and weirdness once again crept me.
It meant my originality now pillowed with me. =)

From lectures,debates and unwillingness, to cajole,cuddle,and love you I learned.
You don't like it.I know,my apologies for that. 
You're not just a phase of my life,deep inside,I believe.
In fact its lightening,current,the switch and its fuse.

Oh yes! It's because of you,
The economics that I miss.
But more than that, its your kiss.
In the scorching sun,In the late winter's moon,and of course the rain,
I want to be with you always.
For my hill topped smile,for my lips,
to feel your flavor,fervor and warmth.

How much would I miss these days, if you're gone?
I wish you made a promise to always stay along.

How did it be that you are with me ?
Crazy,but that's what are we.  :)

-Somya

The Rickshaw Puller

Rising from the dust and debris,
he who labors all day.
Amongst the city dwellers,the rag pickers,
and some factory workers, only he sweats all seasons.
Through hand held bells and powerless brakes,
arises his title- Important yet Inadequate.

Pity and cross swords cut each other,
all over that supposed exorbitant price.
A meager thirty for an eight kilometer ride,
hurts like a three hundred demanded.
While the same spent on a two meter cloth,
is what we never minded.

The magnanimous and the miser.
The overweight and the thin skinned.
All have their share to his earnings.
For some, its a ride of joy,
For me its just a compulsive act.

In the scorching sunlight,
the jute draped bottle gives heed.
In the mid of January,its the coal's heat.
The rain which has no warnings,
layers him with polythene.

With the aim to fill his belly.
In-spite of these troubles,ascents the real hero.
Directions leading to new destinations,
Its he who narrates us,the epic of his misery,
his aching muscles,his bleeding toes after dusk.

He stayed in my servant quarters,
and cried hard,aloud all night.
The wife,the child massaged alternatively,
trying to let go the pain into vain.

He would shout,squirm,fidget and quarrel.
Hoping a better tomorrow,
but as the sun rose,he had to go.
Back into the market of livelihood.
Ready for commercialization,like his circular wheel.

That one manned cycle rickshaw ride.
Yes! It has a story,a very special one.
Every time I hop on, a memory creeps in.
There are more,this was just one.  :)

-Somya