Mannequins and Make up

I have noticed this surge in women and their likes with lips,eyes, chiseled cheek bones and this feeling to be a glowing girl any time of the day.I must not be a hypocrite and not say I don't give in to such urges. But id say with this new surge of  cosmetic brands which has excited a big footfall towards them,I find myself lost. Entering this world of beauty products makes my skin feel like a plastic which is stretched here and there.Trying to beautify what I cannot have, what I was not god gifted. Women will always want to out do and try to achieve what we don't have. I will always want to become that hot person my imagination constantly hinders me to become. Starting where I did, I will be wrong to judge the "dented and painted women" - as said by this attention seeking politician,because again, as said by a friend these women can kick your ass. But let me take myself to question whether between there is a difference between me and that woman who gets off her Rolls Royce wearing a Dolce Gabbana,cologne'd in Gucci and holding a Chanel and wearing lots of make up from Dior,Elizabeth Arden or XYZ. Blemish free as her skin would be, she would walk in the sun with a hat on, with shades will actually go ahead and be able to walk in scorching heat,hit by the filthy crowd which probably hasn't bathed. Everyone tries to correct their faults,no one had the perfect kissable lips, big beautiful eyes and mountain topped brows. Then why are we running constantly,everyday to make ourselves feel free from our flaws? Why cant we accept that probably at the end of the day when you will come back home after you have faked your face with the 12 hour long :protective-water -sweat proof" concealing when you wash your face, you will shed that layer of skin which you were covering for so long. Every night you will sleep with your face. Your real one. The one you were born with. your husband,boyfriend,friends,girlfriend,mother,father, in-laws or any goddamn stranger knows you and will judge you in one second not by your face but by your voice.Be strong, dont be frail. Be assertive. Be demanding in your needs not your wants. Dont be that self consumed woman. Don't be that plastic face dummy. Dont be that mannequin. Be that beautiful woman your parents got you in as, put up that  layer once in a while to feel you are too perfect. But speck your bold voice and we'll see can you be the next "Cover Girl"?

On that note : HAPPY NEW YEAR !! 2013 <3

The Dark Place

Well well well, look who's on the dark side? Look around and get a reality check.Face the phase of nuances and nuisance, of horrible dreams and a horrid reality. Sketch yourself in between these empty places and demarcate a black spot. What will you own ? A true friend? A life long mate? Merely a side plate full of idiosyncratic, spiteful baloney. Left with nothing, you shall think of walking ahead, turning back was once the best option,is no more a choice. A mandate to snatch everything I wish till my foot has a sore. If that makes me scar faced so be it, if that makes me a self centered overly demanding -commanding inhumane human so be it. But if that means justice will be given to me irrespective of what I did wrong in the past I shall do it. Judge me as you like, curse me as you want but this step needs to be taken. Leave behind what you "did", stop thinking whats going to happen tomorrow? Live a day in my life and feel me. The minute you judge that woman who crossed the road wearing those boots and stepped in the puddle just to have fun? She did it not because she wanted to wet her leather boots but because jumping that one second of freedom was a portrayal of the trapped eager to break away from the darn cage. Why do I publish this? Why am I wrong? Why is it that you get away even when thou shall repeat my aforesaid "mistakes". Why am I the one to be warned? Why this urge to curb me? Even though I am no feminist, I take gender offence. So don't try to stretch me to the dark side, don't hide behind those curtains. Don't try to pull me into them when I throw you to the walls. I have strength in me which empowers me to become a successful individual of tomorrow and no body can ever snatch that away from me, you misanthropist. I did look back, but the dark place is not the niche I'd want to breed in. For the woman who did look back, its the light that makes my eyes blink. I may hold up that umbrella for shade,but its not because of the intensity that I am scared of, its the way I want myself to grow. I shall take only how much I can seep in and so I reap and keep walking.

If you can hold me tight in the light, speak up against me but accept that you're lost. I'll call you back. 

Till then take care.

                                                                                                                                             

Faces

Unrealistic truth, a clouded vision. 

Broken shadows grow apart. Time trails, memories pass.

Nostalgia enroute,bonvage this royal affair

Princess of secrets, unveiled the cloche..

A numbed faith, a choken voice..

Alteration of the present, crunch of past.

 Aflicts the me in you. Betrays the you of YOU.

Self restraint and respect bid aduie , conjuct  passages of time.

 Halt,slow down and pause. Lets take your breathe away.

Whats cooked? An unrealised moment of counterfeit.

 Bereft between silence, swept between signals.

Talked amongst the town, strayed all alone.

 Loss of respect, infinity of burn. 

Fire blazes, water repels? Dust hazes,storm compels?

Three days to go.. Lets sit down and trust what we know.

Catechized, crosswired amd mesmerized

Standing two feet. Undemandingly strange.

Hate me, try to love me. Donot. Please.

Ladder of help,its a cry of awakening. 

Finding Goodness

On a new day, a new hope with a new ray of light as I walk towards the corwd..trying to find myself,I find myself alone. Hundreds of faces which were known,thousands which were seen and infinite passer by's all seemed to fade away in that instant of time when ypI began the search to seek myself. Company precious to me,I chose it right but you do mistakes which bare the brunt after a long time. A gap of no writing period has made me dull and I have positively thought that I should get back to it. Certain influences are harmful.. Under this harmful influence I wither away into nothingness.. Only a few stay while whom we want the most says A Sooner GoodBye and leaves. Is it worth the wait? To wait for eyes to swell up? Joy to vanish and laughter to diminish? Just stay put,close your eyes and meditate. You already have your answer! Well if you dont, do some more searching. Because at the end all what matters is pampering your heart and sould towards happiness and believe that everybody gets their share sometime. :)

New ray,new hopes but the old dawn and the old way.[2]

....The graph of love was giving diminishing and later decreasing returns. But the graph of craving was increasing,hence we went ahead,to chalk out the state of equilibrium.
From craving,I remember- Dependence. It can be of various kinds. For me it was the melody of his sinful voice, the hand which was on my waist and the shoulder on whose head was mine. It was dissimilar for him. Choose your company right,it matters. I wholly agree upon this. In a company of hooligans,of rouges,sinister.  His immediate world was powerful but emotionless. There was money but no heart,freedom but no real joy. There was no body to teach, as he considered learning only from people more worthy.  
Yes,here we begin from where everyone does,talking talking all the time. Fruitless,fruitful,lovable and tease'y. No,he wasn't expressive, I was too an extravagant expense. But still,we found fondness in one another. We found joy in acting immature and behaving like absolute morons not giving a damn about the world.
Time immemorial my mother always called me over mature. More so sure when a stranger she met in the passenger coach going to Hyderabad. I still remember that annoying man, who ridiculed the eight year old me by asking general knowledge questions the 19 year old brat in me still doesn't know!
So, to the point I make, this man told me I am immature to face the realities of life. To undergo and over come traumatic situations.He sternly believed this and never gave me a tangible opportunity to defend. But for him,I agreed. If coping failure with a spark stick diminishing into ash,and a bitter fizz is termed maturity, I am happy immature. If he read these lines, he will say in his subconscious- 'you can never understand. Surrendered, I won't perhaps.
Never expect a person to love you,all you do is be a person worthy to receive love. But worth? Is it measured in kilograms and distributed like at flood relief? I would say letting away the molten diamonds from my eyes is better. Love is frenzy, fiery, tantalizing,what not! But it is ecstatic, its possibly something which must happen once. I take this quote from Jeab Genet - "Anyone who hasn’t experienced the ecstasy of betrayal knows nothing about ecstasy at all." This is truth.
Ours was historic, it was economical,calculated, socially accepted and not schizophrenic. It was as simple as a yawning English lesson at class. Was it even love? Not infatuation surely, but it was like gluttons of chicken to the obese. A delicacy, but overeating causes stomach ache,this caused heart ache. One which was powerful and strong, shook me from head to toe, froze everything I liked, from pin to plane. Destroyed all things I indulged into, from chocolates to shopping.
As of now, it is numb.

New ray, new hopes but the old dawn and the old way.

There are certain people in this world you meet not once,but once again. You make them your friends. You make them an integral part of your life which I believe is already clogged and overpopulated. Yet,we want more. I do. I definitely do.
I have somehow always felt that we humans are in a desperate need of company . We necessitate this to happen and without it we feel inadequate in ourselves. Loneliness and single-dom is to loser and not happening. Why? Is the answer I am still searching for.
My mother sternly believed that I had undergone brainwash sessions by Al-quaeda or some other terrorist group as I underwent a lot of change emotionally and mentally. Grade 12,when people are hovering over piles and sheet loads of books,I had the best year of my schooling. It was not because it was my last year at school and the 12 years would never come back.Not at all. I personally hated school. I detested going to a place where all you had is to come dressed tidily and clean and go back home unclean,filthy and untidy. I loved my grade 12 because I did the most wild things anybody would do,risk your career,and get screwed by parents. Coming back, I quite agree that a mad man had triggered the change in me. But I thank him. I thank him for giving me the most rude and confidence shaking circumstances. I  am obliged to him for being a man of double standards and letting me be a bigoted bitch. Roar high and soar higher. Yes,the one who screams during an argument wins is an utterly rubbish notion. It is the mincing of words,to use them with tact and wit. To select the most shrewd words and present them in the most polite way.
I underwent a change of thoughts,emotions,notions,the biggest stands in life. All because of that freak who came in and gave me 5 months of wisdom sprinkled with eye hurting pepper spray.
He said he made people addicted to him,yes to a great deal it is true. He would love me but never praise my goodness,he would kiss me but never with warrant,he would protect me but not out of will. With him I desired to walk the best years and diminish into a benevolent life. Change- I definitely dint believe to be most constant. Time in its race with tide proved so. You can never guarantee a future of happiness because situations pasteurize mankind and kindles it into a thick layer of inflexible cream. This man had rigid ideas about everything,with ego as his tropical oregano seasoning. He had a dream to overpower everyone who,at one point in time bestride him.
My journey with this rude-ie started the day we fought over flicking pages of my history book during a unit test. I cherish every second of my roller coaster,sky rocketing time with this fellow.  How much love was hidden in us,all in disdain. It was April then,September now. My affection is still the same, his has changed.
I wonder why today I am writing this about what happened in these 9 months? Yes, I think a lot he said. I would be a depression patient is what he predicted. When we started our journey from foe-ship to friendship,we had the best motto's - 'Happiness is the driving force for life'. If there is no happiness,life is a lull. 
But happiness also changes routes,it changes its wants. For me happiness was all about doing guilt free things,but for him it meant doing everything. When you strike a coin in the carom board you have the zeal to strike all. That's what we thought,we struck one chord and wanted the guitar to play music. Sound music. It was the most serene thought I ever got.Forever perhaps,but it dint even last for an year.
Newspapers, knowledge and intellectualism being the key ingredients for me to savor a man, I tasted him. His flavor of behavior. His flavor of yearning for me. His intellect made me fall head over heels,and for him my smile which lasted longer than Nile.
24th November 2009- A day of as much Importance as much 9/11 to the United States. It is when from friendship we fell into the well of love-ship. I regret nothing but I repent some odd moments. I repent lying to my mother. She has been my best friend in these soon to become 19 years of my life,she was mine, is mine and she is the only one who will surely remain mine. She won't leave me,she says I will change for you. Her simplicity pushes me to a state of ecstasy which encompasses all the cruel things into vacuum. I'm not Gandhi, I'm not even a good human,I have been wicked and villainous to people. But when I love, I love with purity, my love is child like,its delicate and careless. The worth of my life is reaping only what I sow, not gaining from what others did. I was a misfit to his life. His values were different,may be mine were orthodox,but Im sure even today that mine will bring success and his only misery. Why I say repent is because my effort of fondness towards him gained me no rewards,oh! let alone reward, it was a futile effort. Although my tour of 9 months was beautiful,packed with debates, discussions, unwillingness and argument. Oh,I forgot Addiction. The main word,the fact that talking to each other made us dependent to each other. The graph of love was giving diminishing and later decreasing returns. But the graph of craving was increasing,hence we went ahead,to chalk out the state of equilibrium.

Nazan,This one is for you!

Someone I can talk to
Someone I can trust.
Someone who will be there
When my relationships rust.

Someone who will save me,
When everything goes wrong.
Someone who will comfort me
And help me to be strong.

Someone who listens
At any time of day.
Someone who will brighten
any sky that's gray.

Someone who will always
Want to be my friend.
Someone who will fight for me,
Until the bitter end. 

Someone who will always think
Of me before themselves.
Someone who will care for me
And put their own worries onto shelves.


Someone who will always remain
incredibly beautiful and true-
Someone who is my best friend.
Someone just like you.

Somya.